I have rested, obviously. And as I have, it was almost like I was able to communicate with, and be with my darling Aileen. The weather is of course a bit easier for the Cleveland area. And that means that it?s a lot easier for me to breathe. With that, my hearing seems to be easing as well. After showering, I am increasingly convinced that the hearing issues I am having are due to primarily various forms of dirt that have become lodged in the ear canal. As I said, due to the ear, nose and throat department at Metro being? right next door to internal medicine, where my darling Aileen was seen almost every week while she was dying. I just have a really hard time going to that section of the hospital. Partially, of course, on the account that going there pushes way too many painful memories at me at one time. The other aspect of course has to do with my transgenderism.
As I have explained, during the time when Aileen was dying, we both decided that I should ?hide? my transgenderism from the medical people. And that we did this on the basis that we both felt that had I shown outwardly that I was a transgendered female that she might not have received the level of care that she got. And as I have also explained, my darling Aileen was incensed about this before she died. So much so, that three days before she died she asked me to promise her that I would return to living as a transgendered female. So, as with all the promises I made to my darling Aileen, I promised her that I would do what she wanted. Hence, I have returned to living as a transgendered female.
Of course I was not prepared for the level of hatred for transgendered females that has mushroomed over the past few years. And so, naturally, coupled with the extreme pain of losing my darling Aileen to liver cancer, I am at the same time, trying to deal with this level of hatred in the United States, and around the world, for any man who dares to want the same right that a woman has, which is to change their gender on the basis of how they relate their soul to the Almighty.
And naturally, this conflict does in fact cause a burden on my soul and my heart and mind. And also naturally, the fact that there are people in my neighborhood who have so much hatred and misunderstanding of my being a transgendered female, also weight upon my heart, mind and soul. But it must be stated that not now, or ever, have I considered that anything I have ever dealt with in the entirety of my life can compare in any way, to level of suffering that millions of amazing and wonderful children and fantastic men and women are dealing with on a daily basis, whereby many will lose their lives by sundown today.
So, I do not anyone, either in my own neighborhood or anywhere else in the world, to ever suppose, under any circumstances that I am now, or ever, making out my life to have any degree of difficulty that they, or anyone else may be dealing with. I know full well how insignificant my life is and has been. And I understand that the level of hatred for who and what I am, in my own neighborhood is so great that my passing, whenever that shall take place, will be a moment of celebration on the part of many, if not most, of the people in the neighborhood where I live. No problem. I have no delusions about this at all.
At the same time, one of the reasons that my darling Aileen was able to survive as long as she did was, of course, not only due to her tremendous courage and her strength of will. But also because she trusted me. She believed in me. She believed that when I said that she would not go home to God before she was ready to do so that, because I had said so, this was a fact. Just like she also knew that, no matter what, I will survive. She knew, as she was dying, that regardless of what hurdles and/or issues that might present themselves, that no matter what, I would survive. And so I shall.
As I have just explained, it is becoming increasingly clear to me that the hearing issues I am having are due more to dirt in my ear canal than they are due to any real hearing problems. And that, over time, my hearing will return. The weather has, of course been working not only against me, but against millions of people throughout the world as well. And with the changes in the weather, here in Cleveland, now moving into the pre-fall section of the seasonal year, I expect that I will have an easier time resolving most, if not all, of my hearing issues.
Of course, I am going to have dark thoughts. That is part of the grieving process. I have known this, having been a caregiver to 8 different friends of mine, all who died of various forms of cancer before my darling Aileen came down with liver cancer. What I was ?not? prepared for was, and is, the severity of the pain from losing her. But with everything else in my life that I have survived. I shall survive this as well. My darling Aileen counted on this, and still counts on this now. That, no matter what, I will continue. I will survive.
Personal freedom is a relative thing. In some nations in the world, personal freedom is so limited that the concept of freedom can never be equal to the level of freedom that we, the American people enjoy, and so often take for granted. And while I have never? travelled outside of the United States, other than to Mexico and Canada, I have learned a great deal about the diminished levels of freedom that so many in the world live with and have to contend with, on a daily basis. So, simply because of the level of hatred that there is for me here, in my own neighborhood, shall not diminish my concept of personal freedom. For as I have written, I have a wonderful backyard. And it is my plan to spend a lot more time there, than in the front of my house, where I have to contend, on a semi-daily basis, with the open hatred there is for me, as a result of my life choices and because of who and what I am to myself and to God.
And as I have also said, the only way that any of the people in my neighborhood can demonstrate their hatred for me, is if they see me. And if I? remain unseen, then they will have to demonstrate their hatred for me to each other. therefore, their hatred will pass back and forth between them, and I will not feel any of their hatred, since I will not be present to see it, or witness it. And that?s just how it should be. For the kind and level of hatred that so many in my neighborhood have for me is so toxic that it really is best that they become the targets of that hatred instead of allowing myself to be the target. And the only way that they will be able to demonstrate their hatred for me is if they storm my home as a mob, with the intention of driving me out of my home to kill me, or to burn my home to the ground. And that eventuality I am fully prepared for. Because from the moment that my darling Aileen died, I reconciled myself to being ready to die, either naturally, or as a result of a collective hatred for me. I may have, as a result of my mental illnesses, a hysterical fear of death. But I am ?not? afraid to die. It?s what comes after that really is what I guess I?m scared of. The not knowing.
But as I told my darling Aileen, as she was dying. I told her what a very good friend told me a long, long time ago. Long before I ever knew my darling Aileen. This friend once told me that the worst thing about being dead was? that you don?t know you are.
So, I will continue. I will survive. Though the level of hatred in my own neighborhood, with the exception of a few close friends, is so strong that many in my neighborhood would like to storm my home and burn it to the ground, just as they would love to shoot me to death and then drag the streets with my body, as a result of their hatred. God knows my soul. And God knows my heart. And by God?s hand I shall continue. For no matter what anyone might say, or how much they might hate me. They do not now, nor shall they ever, own my soul. For my soul belongs to God. Just as my heart shall always belong to my darling Aileen.
And if it be God?s will that the level of hatred for me, in this world becomes so strong that people will act out against me with violence and hatred, then so be it. My attitude is ? Bring it on. Send me to God. For when I leave this world, I shall go home. Home to God. And home to my darling Aileen. Into her arms, where I have been all through time and space. For I know, and she also knew, that this life was not the first time we had fallen in love. That we have been joined all through time, in one form or another. As two who would become one, and then would become three.
I am truly sorry that my life has caused so much hatred in others. I am sorry that my being a Maschke has caused so many people to hate me through the years. I am sorry that my being Jewish has caused people to hate me. I am sorry that my choice to reconcile my soul before God, as a transgendered female, has caused so many to hate me. I am sorry that my mental illnesses, and the degree of whatever intelligence that God gave me has caused so many to hate me. But in all sincerity, I have come to understand, now more than ever before in my entire life, the? true toxicity of hatred itself. And I am, as I have always tried to be and to aspire to, dedicated now as I have been, but more so now than ever before, to removing all forms of? that toxic concept within me and within the confines of my life.
I can see now, so clearly, how easy it is for us humans to engage in various forms of hatred. There?s always an excuse to hate something or someone. And always the result of that hatred is varying levels of toxicity within the person?s life. My darling Aileen wanted, more than anything, to ?fix? something in me. When she died, I said that she had succeeded. That she had gotten rid of my anger. And I honestly thought that was true. But the past several months has shown me that while I believed then, and believe now, that she actually was able to ?fix? my anger. I found that this was not completely true. It has only been by seeing the hatred of others toward me, that I have come to understand something about my darling Aileen that I never understood before. Why she wanted to ?fix? something in me.
She wanted to ?fix? something in me, because she knew if she could do that, then, as a result, she would be giving me part of herself to carry on with me, for the duration of my life. A kind of compass. And, as I have said, it has only been by witnessing the hatred that others have for me, that I have seen more clearly my own hatred of myself and some of the forms of behavior that I have said I dislike so much that I can almost feel a kind of hatred toward those forms of? behavior. And by seeing this more clearly, I am coming to understand that to embrace any form of hatred, what-so-ever, is to allow the toxicity of hatred into one?s life. And thereby then suffer from that toxicity.
So, my spiritual path that I began almost two years ago, it now moving in a slightly different direction. But ever onward. Onward toward my darling Aileen. Onward toward home. Home to God. And home back into the arms of my other heartbeat. My darling Leen.
Let those in the world who hate me continue their hatred of me. For I shall not let that hatred into my home. Into this house that my darling Aileen died protecting. And I shall not let that hatred into my life. No matter what.
I am certain that I shall have many more dark moments in my life as a result of my tremendous love for my darling Leen. And how sad I am to have lost her. Just as I am certain that I shall have many more dark moments in my life as a result of the various forms of mental illness that have followed me all of my life. Those who choose to forgive me for how many times I stumble in life, will certainly remain supportive of my efforts to continue and to keep going no matter what. Those, on the other hand, who are consumed with their hatred of me, will of course not only ?not? be supportive of me, in any way. But will, in all probability, become quite frustrated that their hatred is not deterring me in any way from keeping my promises to my darling Leen, to maintain this, our home, and my life. To continue. To survive.
But as I have said all of my life.
Yea though I walk through the shadow of death, I fear no evil. For? I am the one that will survive.
(Meaning, I am not the toughest. I am not the strongest. I am not the smartest. I am not the best. Or the most skilled. I am just one who knows how to get through?)
And so, as I have said, while I might be afraid of death. I am not afraid to die.
Thank-you so very much for listening?.
Source: http://nicolemaschke.blogspot.com/2012/07/invisible-dreams.html
brock lesnar retires new years wake forest wake forest old dominion insync the duchess
No comments:
Post a Comment